No Time to Waste

I was aboard an airplane sleeping.

The plane hit unexpected turbulence.

The pilot announced it on the speaker, but I was unconscious.

I awoke suddenly when the plane collided with something in the air.

My head slammed into the seat in front of me and I blacked out.

I regained consciousness in the air, I was falling.

The plane had been ripped apart, people were falling from the sky.

I was oddly serene.

The sleepiness had remained and I felt all of my bodily sensations in a weary way.

I felt gravity pulling my weight to the ground.

My weight felt different in free fall.

Memories flutter to the surface.

Why was I on that flight?

It hardly seemed important anymore.

I wept. I had thought I had more time.

I always feel like I have more time than I do.

I wish that I had had the courage to say how I felt, the courage to express what my heart whispered to me.

Instead I had kept it quiet.

And I suffered.

Now, in free fall, all I could think of was my desire for life.

All I wanted was a do-over.

I wanted a second chance to prove myself, to dare myself to fulfill my potential, to find out who I really was.

I had been kidding myself.

It wasn’t my fear.

I had let it control me and dictate my choices.

Never again.

If only I would fall onto a cushion.

If only to live a bit longer, to feel my skin responding to the world, to the touch of others.

How alone I was, falling in the sky.

Absent of others, absent of love.

I thought about how I didn’t even say hi to the person next to me.

Why had I been so weak?

The resolve I felt in those prolonged seconds to live a better life made my chest swell and fingers tingle.

The imminence of death shoved my values in my face, seeing them so large was like a warm hug. Hugs.

Those pleasant things I would never experience again.

Who was the last person I hugged?

I hope they know I love them, despite my weakness.

Did they know I loved them?

Do you know that I love you?

No condition could alter that.

You could change everything about you and I’d still love you.

Who you are is worthy of life and love.

Seek it, don’t be shy.

The ground grows nearer.

My greediness for life gnaws my limbs off.

I’m not ready.

The wind screams.

I curl into a ball and try to make it go away.

The nightmare is reality: this beautiful thing ends and you can’t stop it.

No time to waste.